Sunday, August 09, 2009

maybe it was my fault. i don know. i wanted to have a good impression for my first dinner with the 'parents.' and u wanted to watch the tvo. i had to yell at u to get dressed after telling u nicely for 2 times. and you cried. what?! are u 5 years old now? did i yell at you too loud? i mean, i didnt really see the point of crying AT ALL. why did the parents have to wait downstairs for us? and righto, we walked downstairs and the dishes were already there and the parents were swatting the flies and waiting for us to start dinner. WOW. hows that for a great start of my first dinner impression with them. then you had to continue crying and leave half way through the dinner. i don know, but i don think i can ever live with being left in the lurch. i'm not sure u can live with a dinner experience like this if it was with my parents. and i had to eat alone with the parents for a full 20 mins. i felt exactly like when i threw this kid's colour pencils into the sandpit and buried them and was reported to my parents by the principal and after reprimanded, the dinner afterwards was awkward silence. and i was still thinking that burying those colour pencils were as downright funny as it was pointless. that was in primary 3.

i'm not even sure whether to cry or laugh when we are upset over stuff like that. its childish isnt it? over the tv instead of being early for a dinner treat with my future in laws. maybe not future. i don know, not after being walked out on a situation like that. don think they can ever trust me with their daughter anyway.
gilbert at 8:06 PM [comment]

{I hear voices, voices only half as humane as mine..}

Saturday, May 30, 2009

if you cant love, at least don hate. it isnt easy to do so, i have to agree. but after NS, after NUS, it seems like a breeze for me to achieve. no doubt, no point denying what should be the truth. but whats the point of pointing out the truth that everyone already knows? is it worth making the people around upset and putting everyone else in a tight spot. i don know, perhaps i'm not as righteous, i'm not as courageous. perhaps i'm afraid of confrontation or awkwardness. perhaps my father was wrong when he taught me to live and let live. but i'm happier this way. i'm happier not pointing out flaws of others cause i know i have aplenty for others to point out. i'm happier just concerned about stuff that matters to me and not let others affect me too much. i'm happier letting things be simple and less complicated than it could already be.

singapore is as small as small could be already.

the world is coming to an end on 21 december 2012 as alex says.

i hate my inability to execute moves so much that i forgot to love dancing.

i hate my brother so much that i forgot my parents love him dearly.

i hate the hot weather so much that i forgot how much i love to sweat it out.

its only human capacity to do so many things. i don hate if i cant love, cause when i hate, i cant love.
gilbert at 10:11 PM [comment]

{I hear voices, voices only half as humane as mine..}

Wednesday, May 07, 2008

my study buddies, may times like this stay like this.

gilbert at 9:42 PM [comment]

{I hear voices, voices only half as humane as mine..}

Tuesday, May 06, 2008

you know how there's a line between like and dislike, like how some people like to eat rice and others hate vegetables. but to me, most of my feelings fall in the grey area. the gray area which i would call 'different'. no like or dislike, just different.

like how i neither like nor dislike to be alone. study alone, eat alone, catch a movie alone, go cycling alone, swim alone, dance alone and stuff like that. doing these things just feel different. i wouldnt mind doing them with someone or alone, but i always go by this rule of thumb, 'its about the players, not the game.' I love doing some things with some people, other times, looking at the people that i am doing stuff with, i rather be doing it alone.

and the biggest benefit to classifying feeling as different and not as like or dislike is that, i can just switch my mind off and be indifferent about everything.

yesterday was such a torturous day, and you didnt even know that you were torturing me, damnit.
gilbert at 7:18 PM [comment]

{I hear voices, voices only half as humane as mine..}

Monday, May 05, 2008

i cant believe I'm back at doing this after not blogging for so long, but it seems pretty nice to blog the last time so what the heck. truth is I'm just sick of school, the daily routine of doing things and the stuff that goes thru in those blocks of concrete, plus the people i don want to see, whether or not i dislike them. its good that 2 more days, I'll be leaving all this behind temporarily, at least for the next one month or so. and perhaps the thought of not seeing you again forever actually makes me pray for time to pass faster, although i'm not sure if thats what i actually want to do. cause at the back of my head, there is this nagging thought that says that we should never try to avoid things. but life is complicated as it is already and you are not helping it by making it worse for me. whatever the case is, i'm just going to keep my mouth shut, keep my eyes glued to the screen, listen to music to block out the noise and keep my mind focused on getting the A for my malay 2. i trust that i'm going to get it, cause who are you to say that i cant, when i say that i can.

on a heavier note, i have never been so in doubt with myself before. tidak pernah.

and it kinda sucks.
gilbert at 10:24 AM [comment]

{I hear voices, voices only half as humane as mine..}